I looked into the sky and night and wondered,

What the Gods saw when they made the Heavens amd the realms within?

I know much of life to know that we are small in the grand scheme of things and yet treasured in some small way we are.

For In us lies their breath, their heart, their life.

We small glimpses of light that one day will fade. But our deeds will not.

We will be remembered long after our bodies have turned to dust. Long after the ones that knew us cease to cry our names.

For the stars will echo it for us as they rejoice in Valhalla.

We are infinite...we will dwell forever in the home of our ancestors and there live and love with a first passion as we did in life.

Death....is not the end....

 "You would dare condemnation for my sake?"

"For the sake of any friend who deserved it."

Such would be my reply if ever asked such a thing.

 Family. Such a small word with such big emotions and attachments behind it. Family was safety. A place to return to whenever the trials of life got to be to hard. To recuperate with those who loved and understood you. Who would shelter you from the storms life threw at you from time to time and even carry you if need be. Family was Love, for who else could give such unconditional love to you even in your darkest moments when you even despised yourself and pick you back up? To set your feet back upon the right path, your path and help and guide you as you went. Family was so much, and yet, it didn't have to be blood. That was the hardest lesson Becca would have to learn in her long life and one that she struggled with even still today.

Growing up the way she had, she had never had the safety and support of family. Not until she was already grown and her ways seemed set. Trust, came hard for her, and love was a foreign concept altogether. She carried the scars of one who had walked the darkest path and survived, but only because she had been trained to do so. To be strong, to feel...nothing. It was only after her mother died and she was 'set free' that she realized later on that she had choice. That there was even another way to live. How frightening and confusing for one who had, up till now, known only the hardships of pain and sorrow and suffering. Hers, as well as others. Yet still, she tried and in trying, learned, grew, cared, loved. It took time, years actually, for her to find her feet on the path she now walks, but she is better for it.

And yet, still, when she is alone and left to her thoughts, the past trickles back in to whisper and to haunt her at nights when the world is hushed and still. Family. Even though she knows she has it now, it is hard to come to terms with. Just what was family? Friends she had grown to love? Actual blood relations who she knew loved her and yet still secretly feared her for what she was? She knew what she considered to be family and she knew she was blessed with those she considered hers, but at times, the doubt still lingers....is she worthy?

Faustus/Freya pitch 2

 Freyja heard the rumours going around the Academy but didn't want to believe them. Something terrible had happened, but no one knew exactly what. Only that the High Priest had locked himself into his office and was seeing and speaking to no one. He would even lose his temper if someone dared to poke their heads in or knock on his door, disturbing him. Freyja bit her lip as she contemplated her next move. She and Faustus had been seeing each other for over 4 months now, lovers in every sense of the word, and yet they had kept it secret. Would going to him now, give it all away? What could have possibly happened that would drive the normal High Priest into such a state? True, he was cold, calculating and at times, cruel, but he also had a gentle side that only she got to see. If something had happened, maybe she should go to him, see what she could do, if anything. She loved him, she worried for him. As he did for her. Did he not save her from her abusive parents when they came to take her home to punish her for nothing more than following her heart? She had to try.

She waited till the last class of the day was in session before she made her way to the High Priests office, pausing only a moment before she lightly knocked on his door. “Headmaster....It’s Freyja. Can I come in please?” She called out before he had time to curse whoever was bothering him this time. Silence met her at her call and she wondered if he even heard her. Placing a hand against the wood, she leaned lightly against it, listening. It took a moment, but she heard the soft click of the door unlocking and it opened just the barest for her to push open and walk through. Upon entering the room, she shut the door firmly behind her and locked it back, so no one could disturb them. Turning to look at Faustus, she was not prepared for what greeted her. The normally well groomed, haughty, man was a wreck. His jacket lay behind him on the floor, papers littered the floor and his desk which was usually so neat and well kept, bottles of what she guessed were spirits were in a row on his desk and his clothes were unkept and his hair a wild mess. “Faustus...” She whispered his name, in shock. When he lifted his head to look at her, her heart almost broke. Such despair. Such pain as he simply looked at her, as if he didn’t recognize her. It took a few moments for his eyes to clear, and in that moment, he simply held out an unsteady hand for her, almost as if pleading for her to come to him.

“Freyja..” Even the sound of his voice was broken.

At the offer of his raised hand, she went to him and took his hand into her own. He was cold to the touch. To cold. “Faustus. What has happened?” She asked worriedly as he simply latched onto her and pulled her close to him, holding her so tight it almost hurt. She didn’t know what to do. She had never seen him this way.

“My children....” He managed to sob out as he trembled in her embrace. “My babies....they died, along with their mother.”

Freyja’s eyes furrowed a bit before it hit her. true, Constance and Faustus had never loved each other and she had lost more than one pregnancy before, but that she should actually die during this one was never thought about. She was never a strong woman, but Freyja knew just how much Faustus had loved his babes, even if they had not yet been born. She didn’t know what to say, in this moment. It was simply heart-breaking. She bit her lip and moved so that she was wrapped around the man she loved and held him tight. “I am so sorry Faustus.” She whispered softly. “So sorry, my Love.” She gently rubbed his back as he sobbed against her. Her heart actually breaking for him and if she could, she would have brought them back for him. She held him close and hoped her presence was enough.

It didn’t hit her until later, that she had seen the Dark Lord earlier that day, watching her, and it made her freeze. He had spoken of a sacrifice that needed to be paid, if they continued down the path they now walked and at the time, they both said that they were both willing to pay it. But this...this was too much. After she had gotten Faustus to calm and settle a bit, she had left him long enough to get them both something to eat when a teacher stopped her in the halls. The news was not good. Now it was her turn, it seemed. The teacher apologized profusely as she gave Freyja the news. Apparently, her younger brother, Amos, whom she loved more than life, had died in a tragic accident earlier that day and because her parents had disowned her, they were not going to tell her. However, her mother felt that she deserved to know and sent word through the school. Freyja felt her world now drop from under her as she listened. Her little brother? Dead? The one she had taken care of when young? The one she had protected from her parents’ wrath, the one she had nursed when sick, tended and cared for. Dead? She couldn’t stand it and turned and bolted down the nearest hallway and back the way she came. Food forgotten. When she made it back to the High Priests office, she slammed the door against the world and for a moment, tried to remember how to breathe. Faustus was asleep in his bed back in another room, for that she was thankful as anger flooded her. Not even bothering to make a circle of protection, did she dare to summon the Dark Lord herself. Chanting the words without a thought until he appeared in fire, ash and smoke.

“WHY!?” she all but screamed at him, forgetting herself and her surroundings. “You take my brother, as sacrifice for the path we walk. I understand that, but WHY Dark Lord, why take Faustus’s children!! How does this pay for what we chose? I don’t....I don’t understand....” Her words trembled as she remembered just who she was yelling at.

The Beast stared at her with its serpentine eyes but she did not lower her own. “You have strength young one. That is good.” He finally growled out at her. Voice like rolling thunder as it rumbled around the room. “Do you regret the choice you made? Say the word and I will reverse it.” She inhaled softly and took a step back as he advanced on her and raised his hand. “I will give the High Priest back his wife and children, I will give you back your brother, but no longer will you two be together. Say the word, and it is done. You both said you would pay the sacrifice for this choice. Tell me, now that you are unhappy do you regret it?” His ears twitched as he watched her.

 “Never!” Was her nearly shouted reply as she stood her ground. “I Loved my brother. Loved him more than life...and always will, but I will never regret my choice to love Faustus. How can you even ask me that?!”

 “It was YOU who summoned me, Witch!” He growled deeply as he took another step towards her and ever so gently, moved a lock of her hair out of her face. “Your strength will be needed in the days to come. He will need you, as you will need him. Learn from this, and I give you my word, Satan will smile upon you both. The choice is still yours.” So saying, he disappeared just as he arrived, in fire and smoke.

She had to take a moment to catch her breath after HE had left and it was then that she saw Faustus staring at her from the doorway. How much had he seen? He looked haggard, but his eyes were clear as he came to her and took her into his arms.

“You do not regret loving me?” He asked softly as he kissed the top of her head.

 “Never, Faustus. I could never regret loving you.”

 That fact was a small one. That though they could not reverse time, that either of them had no regrets. Loss of any kind is hard, and they would mourn theirs, but together. They had each other. That was more than some ever had.

 

                       Pt. 2....the sacrifice.

The day had dawned like any other. The Dark Lord had visited them both, given them His blessing on their relationship and had taken something they both had loved as payment for the choice they made to be together. He never gave something without taking something in return, and everything has a price. Freyja didn’t find out about her brother till almost two days later, and from her Nanny, who went against her father’s orders and called to tell her while he was out. Amos was 4 years younger than Freyja, and small for his age. Something their father despised. Freyja had practically raised him, took care of him when he was sad or sick, protected from their father’s rage and their mother’s cruel indifference. To hear that he was dead, and not know the reason why...it stopped her whole world as the Mark the Dark Lord had carved into her skin burned and seared itself upon her to let her know her debt was paid. That His will was done, if they could survive the pain of the loss together.

The next few days found them both, High Priest and Witch, struggling to survive as best as they could while dealing with the losses they both faced. Faustus had arranged for a funeral pyre for his wife and children and asked if Freyja, whose parents still refused to speak to her, wanted to include her brother as well. Send them off together was his thinking. She was touched and went to her dorm room to gather what she had left that reminded her of her brother. A picture, a letter, his first baby writing to her. She smiled sadly as she held these things to her a moment, before meeting Faustus outside later that night. No words were needed as they made their way into the woods and she paused as she saw the pyre come into view. Constance was beautiful, and the babes were so sweet, it looked like they were sleeping almost. She stood back, giving her Dark Lover a moment, not really wanting to intrude. When Faustus turned to her and held his hand, she took it and set her things she had nearby on the pyre. After a brief few words, Faustus picked up the torch and set the whole thing ablaze.

Standing before that burning, searing fire, Freyja felt as if her soul was burning as she watched the pictures and letters blacken and turn into fiery, floating orbs that fluttered and flew overhead. “Goodbye...” She whispered softly to herself. They stayed that way for a long while, each lost to their own private thoughts. Until they moved as one and looked at each other. Their hands tightened around the others tightly as Faustus moved first and leaned down to tenderly kiss her. Freyja could feel his pain that he was trying so hard to hide and it called to her own. With her free hand, she reached up and caressed his cheek, deepening their kiss until they were in each other’s arms. Pulling back at the same time, they stared at each other as the fire flickered in each other’s eyes, turning to watch their hearts, in a way, burn together, seeking and taking comfort from one another as they held each other close.

 

Part 3

It was hard, but Freyja found a way to pull herself slowly out of her grief. Having Faustus around and ever attentive to her helped and she busied herself to make sure he would feel loved as well. Unknown to them though, their secret wasn’t about to stay a secret for long. For on the night of the funerals, a teacher had followed the High Priest into the woods, unseen to see if he would be alright and had come to a standstill when they saw him kiss Freyja, a student. Rushing back, they had called her parents straight away. So all Hell was literally about to break loose and they didn’t even know it yet.

Her father was a cruel man, who despised weakness and those he could not control. And while he had disowned Freyja, he still saw her as His and he would be damned if his own flesh and blood defied him and caused such a scandal that was sure to come with her floundering with the High Priest! His will would be done, he decreed!

Two days later and Freyja was feeling a little better with what had come to pass. Faustus seemed to be doing better as well, and though they still kept their meetings a secret, they saw more of each other when they could. She had decided to blow off her last two classes of the day, just to go for a short walk. To enjoy the day before the weekend. Making her way out of the school and into the woods, she sighed softly as the sunlight felt good against her skin. She had planned just a short walk and planned to be back before she would be missed so had not told anyone where she was going. An hour passed, and as she turned to head back to the school, she heard it. Footsteps. She went still and listened and recognized who those footsteps belonged to. She only had a moment to whisper “Oh no!” before everything went black.

Hours later, a teacher came knocking upon the High Priests door, worried.

“Excuse me, High Priest, for disturbing you. But, have you heard or seen Freyja Hawthorne lately?” The teacher asked timidly. “She wasn’t in her last two classes, and I just did a bed count and she wasn’t in her bed...nor had it looked like it had even been slept in. She is missing.”

Faustus was worried but tried not to let it show. Sure that Freyja had simply slipped away to deal with what they were both dealing with. He excused the teacher and after a few moments, made his way to the Desecrated Church, sure she would be there. However, when she wasn’t and on his way back to the school, caught sight of a small pool of blood and signs of a scuffle, his heart literally stopped! Enraged, he called all the faculty together to try and piece together who had seen Freyja last and when.  Putting it all together in his mind, he could only come to one conclusion. Her father. Faustus hated the man, for he had outright challenged him in the school not a week before. He had to be behind this! He would find out and bring Freyja home!

Faustus/Freya Pitch 1

 I had the oddest but neatest dream. I blame the new Sabrina show mostly. lol It is sooooooooooooooooooooooo good! anyway....

In my dream, one of my muses, Freyja Hawthorne was the lover of the High Priest, Faustus Blackwood. It has been 'blessed' by the Dark Lord, even if everyone else is against it, for many reasons. Her parents even try to take her out of the academy and bring her home to punish her, but Faustus forbids it and tells them that the Dark Lord has given his blessing, but he doesn't say who Freyja is seeing, nor does she. Her parents leave, and will eventually disown her, but that doesn't matter to her...her parents were abusive anyway. At the Academy, she has felt safe for the first time ever, and it has become her home.

dream time lapses a bit....Faustus and Freyja have grown closer. It is hard keeping such a thing a secret, but somehow they make it work. But the Dark Lord has warned them that there will be consequences due to their choice, a sacrifice must be given for the path they now walk, and at the time, they both said that they would pay it, long as they were together. Well, the time has come.....Faustus's wife dies in childbirth as does the twins. He is naturally devastated by the loss of his children. His wife and him had never loved each other, but the babes were innocent. He falls into a depression that even Freyja has a hard time reaching him in. Then, it is her turn. Her younger brother, the one she loved more then her own life, whom she protected from their parents wrath, dies by a tragic accident. She is strong, but not that strong....and seeks out the Dark Lord to ask why! He appears and reminds her, a sacrifice was due, from them both. They said they would pay it. This is what he demanded from them both...and then has the gall to ask if she has changed her mind. She gets angry at The Beast and says for lack of better words, that she loves Faustus, always will. Of course she uses a few 'colorful metaphors' to say such. He simply growls and actually smiles at her. Before he leaves, however, she asks him if there is a way to help the High Priest find his way out of his melancholy and the Dark Lord is actually touched that she asks for something for someone else and not herself, even though He knows she is in pain as well. he leans down and Marks her on her shoulder and says that now is the time to let everyone about them know....to no longer hide. And he disappears in a cloud of smoke and fire.

and then I wake up....wow....someone PLEASE write this out with me. lol lol

 "That's how it starts, The Fever, The Rage, The feeling of Powerlessness, that turns good men, Cruel."

she knew that feeling, oh yes, she knew that feeling well. When she was younger, it was how she lived. White noise only existed in her life, in all aspects, for it kept the pain, the anger away. When she killed, she went somewhere else, and this other side of her would emerge. A side she still feared lingered deep inside her somewhere, dormant, but waiting. This other side was nasty, had no emotions, followed all orders given and enjoyed the kill. But, as she soon found out, every time you take a life, you lose a part of yourself, that saying was very very true. For her life had become empty, emotionless, hallow, void....all that existed was White Noise, all that she heard were the "Masters" commands, not the screams of the ones she tortured, or the dying rattles of the ones whose life she stole, nothing but White Noise. And though her body was covered in scars, she felt neither the lash of the "Masters" whip against her back, nor the brands they used to sear her skin. She made no noise, didn't bat an eyelash, or even cry, no matter how hard they punished her. That scared them, and deep inside, herself. A Ghost...was what she had become. A Waif, traveling from place to place. The Silent Death, for it came swiftly and followed her upon her path.

It was only when she turned from it that such things like emotions, and reaction started to come slowly back. Painfully slow. Trust....hard fought and hard won. Love...had not respect for it till she felt the gentle touch of someone without a lash in their hands. Loyalty....Something she never walked away from. She was nothing if not loyal, to a fault. Honor....same hand as Loyalty but nearly choked on it when one "Master" wanted her to slay another. A wicked predicament that was. It took time, as it does for all, but slowly, the woman she had been growing into before this life made her cold, calculating and aloof, slowly peeked out. She smiled more, she learned to laugh, she found joy....if not peace. Peace...she only felt peace when she was with her triplets and family. Everything went quiet, slowed down, felt blissful when she was with them.

Time heals all wounds, they say. And they are half right. Time heals most wounds...others, we have to heal ourselves.

my mental health vs.

 

 Some say love is fleeting. That it is like a flash in the pan. There one moment, gone the next.

Some say Love is a gift. To be treasured above all things and nurtured till ones very last breath.

Some say love is rash. For peoples reactions change swiftly when in love. Conforming to the one they desire.

Some say love is Blind. For it knows no beauty, for each persons beauty differs from the next.

Some say love is patient. For it teaches us patience and forbearance, tolerance.

But I say Love is wondrous. Love is never fleeting, it lasts till long after the heart stops beating. It is the one thing that out lasts time for the World kneels before it in awe.

Love, is the single most greatest gift we have.For it gives us hope. Hope that no matter what, the ones we cherish will always stick by us. Hope, that come what may, we know that we are never alone.

Whether it be from a parent to a child, or a sibling to another, or from a Lover, Love is beautiful. In all its forms.

It's the only thing worth living for, worth fighting for, worth dying for, because it is the only thing that lasts.

It is that small measure of peace, we all seek, but few of us, ever rarely find.

~~Written by ME!~~

"Little Wolf" (Becca flashback solo)

///older written out rp I did myself.

// Past catching up with present, older rp idea...random writings. lol

"Little Wolf"

*The name echoed in her mind, pulling her from her readings. It had been years since that phrase echoed within her mind. Years since she first felt its terrible sting as it echoed in her ears, full of spite and hatred.*

"Little Wolf."

*she grit her teeth and closed her eyes, trying not to listen. The hatred melted away and took on a form far more devastatingly haunting. The words shifted to calm, serene, tender almost in its echoings.*

"Little Wolf."

*She stood, forgetting about the book in her lap and headed for the door. She had to outrun it, least the emotions come surging back from behind the door of which she kept them tightly barred. Panic flooded her as she shifted to wolf, but that only made the sensation that much worse, the voice that much louder, the echo ringing till she felt her ears would burst!*

"Little Wolf."

NO! STOP IT! *she shouted as she ran, phasing back to human as if it that would help her escape from the sound that pursued her* You are all DEAD! Leave me be! *She ran till she couldn't anymore. gasping for air, she collapsed in a small pile of dead autumn leaves and curled into a small ball, eyes squeezed tightly shut as images floated across her mind.

Images of the Master who broke her! She remembered the burning pain as he beat her, burned her, marked her for not following his orders. For not killing innocents as she was being trained to do. His words, haunted her over and over for every time she fell asleep, they were waiting.

"You are not a human, you are a Beast! You will do as I command or by the Gods, I will beat the humanity out of you, Little Wolf!"

Even now, she could feel every lash, could smell her skin as it burned as the words echoed within her; but then the images shifted as she shook her head in an attempt to make them stop. Pressing her hands to her ears as she shouted for it to end* PLEASE DON'T! NOT THAT ONE...PLEASE!!!

*The one and only time she had ever felt safe, felt loved. Years after she had been taught everything she knew about death and killing, she had met someone who had tried to save her. Who had fallen for her in every way possible, and had been overly patient with her in teaching her that life didn't have to be dark or miserable or lonely. And the worst part of it was, she had allowed herself to fall as well.

"I will always be here." The voice echoed within her mind, as she bit her lip so hard she tasted blood. "You are mine, always forever in my heart, Little Wolf."

The one time, she had truly cared for someone, had ended in tragedy, for he had been murdered....for loving her. She had gone on a spree that day, and just that little bit of her humanity had died with him. Thinking his killers deaths would satisfy, she found, tortured and killed each one methodically, savoring it to the last moment. But alas, each death only hurt her worse and when they were all dead, she felt empty, hollow...and so had turned to a pack of wolves. She had run as a wolf for centuries before realizing that that wasn't her path and had sought out her Father and his family. From that day, she never looked back...but still...the nightmares were waiting.

Filled with unbridled rage, something inside her snapped, and as she screamed out her emotions, the whole of the earth seemed to shake. Like a time bomb, waiting to go off, she vented till there was nothing left inside to vent, falling to her knees as she gasped for breath again. It felt good...to vent and it helped to center herself. She wasn't alone anymore....*