"Their wails and cries will haunt me the rest of my days."

 That had been her last words when she had left the care of the King. She had carried out his orders well and without reservation, till the very end. She had loved and followed the King absolutely, and it had hurt to see the way he treated his own people, and through her actions, which always spoke of His hand. It wasn't just she alone. He had others that did his work as well, but she had been his most trusted 'adviser'. He had asked for things to be done, and she had seen it through.

But now, now she doubted even her own conscious. She was of Rivendell stock, but also of the human world. Of Celtic and Nordic stock, and Celtic/Nordic stock had Iron in their souls. Back ramrod straight, Iron in her blood as well as her soul, she never once doubted her actions, nor regretted them. But this, one action in the name of her King made her regret what she had seen through.

Having to lie to the people she served, and having to watch His Graces will be done, had left darkness reside once more within her. Knowing that she could do nothing to stop the slaughter that would happen, nor able to warn them on account of being labeled a traitor. She didn't see how people could do what they were ordered to do, when it came to things of this nature. How they could listen to the screams and the begging of the loved ones of the ones guilty and pay it no mind, how they could ignore the terrible 'example' they have made of the Kings people. She found it hard to do so, but she did her duty, carried out heinous acts that her King ordered.

But she could not harden her heart to the plight of the people. She could not forget the women and children begging for their fathers, their brothers life be spared. She could not understand the King and his advisers ideals, not in this way. So after she had seen His work done, and done well to the point that no man, woman or child would rise up out of those ashes, she rode back to the Throne and laid down her sword for good. When they, the advisers and now Chief Advisor, sought to stop her, she turned on him and with all her might, fought back against his dark words.

"It is not us, but YOU, who are the very original Chief cause of all this rebellion and mischief, and though you could probably find someway of having all the Noblemens heads of the realm struck off if you wanted it, yet I trust there might be one left who could still strike off yours!!"

The Throne room was quieted as she threw down her sword, glared at her King, her king no more, and stormed out, with those last words uttered upon her tongue. She would be his puppet no more. She had not fought against the Darkness within her own soul to fall back into the world of men, to execute the innocent. Let someone else do his dirty work, History would not find her here nor write her name in any of these stories for the world of men!

 Things get better,

Take it from me.

Life is nothing but sweet agony,

Yet under the pain, the fear and hate,

Lies something hidden, that which is Great!

Love is all around you, ever flowing,

Ever growing,

It even outlasts time.

So worry not when it seems you are alone or afraid,

For you are just waiting for the someone for whom you were made.

They are out there,

I swear, and you will know them from the start.

For they are the one who understands the song of your heart.

~~Written by ME!!~~

Look behind the fur and the teeth, do you not see me?

I hide behind the fur and claws, but my eyes, themselves Deceive.

When the wolf snarls, and the howls echo the forest,

See not the demons that run behind my eyes,

but to the ME inside.

Call to me with gentle words,

Help me find my way.

I am lost in this form,

This is not who I am, nor who I want to be!

~Written by ME!!~~

 I protect my 'pack',

I am the Shadow on the wall,

I am the sword in the Darkness,

I am the shield that guards my pack and my home.

Look into my eyes and there Death you will see,

if you be mine enemy.

For I fear no evil,

For I fear neither cold nor pain,

For I am the watcher and I see all.

So hear my mournful cry, that echos in the night,

Do you despair or rejoice?

That alone, should be your answer.

Recurring Dream

// I had the weirdest dream last night! Started out like my reoccurring dream...ya know...walk through the dark castle, someone calling my name. Only this time, a hand shot out from one of the adjoining rooms and I was roughly pulled into it, only to see Peter hulking over me, shaking his head as he almost glared at me.

"You are not for Him!" He said with such feeling that it almost made me shiver. "I will not let you seek the Dark, when I of the Light have claimed you. you are MINE, not his!"

then it felt like everything went still in the dream and i heard footsteps coming down the hall. loud, foreboding footsteps, which made Peter push me behind him as he faced what was coming. A tall, slender man, with wavy dark hair, who first looked like Gary Oldmans rendition of Dracula, appeared in the doorway, looking very much perturbed!    He looked at Peter, looked at me and then hissed.

"Why have you stopped my Beloved from responding to me? She belongs to me. Have I not crossed oceans of time to find her?" He hissed.

To which Peter replied, "She belongs to you not, foul one. BE gone! She is mine, and I will defend her as such."

Dracula paid Peter no mind and instead, looked to me with eyes that are so blue, and for an instant, his face changed to the JRMs version of Dracula and back again, as if he couldn't decide which form he wanted to take.

"Come to me, my sweet. You know you are mine. I claimed you when you were young. You belong with me."

It looked like Peter was about to 'go to war' with this Dracula person when suddenly the dream changed again!

Only this time I am sitting in a library reading by a fire, all around me is dark, but the fire is warm. And strange as it sounds, I am talking with someone, only I can't see them. It looks like I am talking to the book I am reading. weird, but it does and I have this weird sensation that this book is very very old and I am searching for something within it, but it wont show me, cause if it does, it knows I will have what I need and leave.

I wake up to words echoing in my mind for hours afterwards.

"Come to me, I await you." ~ Vlad

"You are mine, you belong to me" ~ Peter

"Don't leave me...please...." ~ Book

All three voices tumble in my head all the rest of the day. What does it mean!?

  

August 21, 2022: My reoccurring dream has come back with a vengeance till I literally 'see' it while awake. Does that mean something is coming? If so, it better be good as I can't have one more thing go wrong!

 I am not afraid.

You are not afraid?

No. I am not afraid. To look past the barrier. To see things others can not. To look deep within, in places that man and woman dare not go. 

*wipes away a tear* 

I am not afraid, to look into someones eyes, see their demons and coax them out. For there is beauty in the darkness. There is beauty in all things grey. Things are not just black and white. I am not afraid....to love....even if love is afraid of me.

That makes no sense.

Yes it does. (says softly and with conviction)

Love is fickle, but it is also lasting. Does not matter what type of love you feel for another. Family, Friend, Lover, Mate. It matters not, Love is simply that and always shall be.

Yes yes, all well and good but we were not talking about love. I asked you, are you afraid?!

Afraid of what? what is there to fear? When one has looked into the eyes of Death, as I have, and screamed back in rage and defiance, what left is there to fear? 

*sniffs softly* 

When loss is a constant companion, what then is there to be afraid of? When you look past the barrier, and into a person so well, that you see the TRUE person they are in their heart of hearts, what then, is there to fear? You ask me, "Am I afraid?"

I do. Everyone fears something.

I am afraid of many things. But none the likes you will ever guess. Do I fear Death, or hurt, or pain or loss....No. (whispered softly)

I fear not being good enough. No matter what I give, to a person, of it not being returned in like measure. I fear that the way I see things will be seen as arrogance, or something of that ilk. Trust me when I say, that I have strode a path many would diverge from. Many, would lay down and die then walk. It is not pretty, it is not glorious, but for all my losses, all my pain, I have learned not to fear. To look past the 'masks' people wear and see them! To hear when another is in need, to be there, to care, to give, to Love! 

*pauses and shivers slightly* 

How can you ask me, am I afraid? I am not afraid....not of what you expect me to be afraid of; and you, like many others before you, will never understand that.

*sits quietly, not at all sure what to say.* 

Then the Gods give you good blessings, for you are a strong and deft person. The world needs more like you.

No, my friend. I am just me....nothing more, nothing less. Just me. The world needs only one me. 

*chuckles softly and raises a glass* 

To our good health...and to the things we fear. 

*winks*

Indeed. 

*raises glass and drinks*

 Do not tame the wolf inside you just because you've met someone who doesn't have the courage to handle you.

- Belle Estreller